 | Genre: Humour | Word count: 1033 |
Paradise Miss Laid
I don't know how long I've been here. It's funny, but I can't remember much either. All I've done this past couple of days is wander around getting a pleasing all-over tan and wondering what to do next.
Mind you, the scenery is beautiful, no doubt about it. Lush gardens, tinkling streams, delicate butterflies flitting about, and perfect weather. I can see why it's called Paradise.
If only it weren't for Adam.
He doesn't say much. Spends all his time sitting under a solitary apple tree. Minding it, he says. I ask him why he doesn't get off his arse and do something useful. He points to the op scar on his chest and says he can't do anything physical until it's healed.
I tell him that as soon as he's strong enough, I want him to pick the apples and make me some juice. He shrugs.
I'm picking up a flat piece of stone to file my nails with when I hear the rustling of leaves. The sound is coming from behind a fig tree. I go to take a look. I expect to find a mouse or something, but it turns out to be a snake. A snake? I'm supposed to be in Paradise and here I am face to face with a bloody serpent, a potentially venomous, rib-crushing creature. I step back quickly, but he doesn't move, just stares at me in that unblinking snaky way. Then I hear his silky, sibilant voice.
“Hello, my dear. You look a bit fed up, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
"Can you blame me? Who do I have to talk to round here? Not Adam, that's for sure."
"Yes, I know what you mean. A couple of days ago he was saying how lonely he was. Never happy, some people. Still, what do you expect from a tree hugger? They care more for the environment than people."
"I thought this was supposed to be Paradise, but it's not at all what it's cracked up to be. In fact, it’s getting to be a bit of a drag."
He's quiet for a moment, tongue flicking in and out as he studies me. "It can be fun, you know."
"How do you mean?"
"I heard you going on at him about the apples. Why don't you pick them yourself? They're as much yours as his."
"He won't let me. Says he's guarding the tree."
"That's because he wants all the fruit for himself. Don't worry, my dear, I'll get them for you. Just wait there, I won’t be long." He slithers off before I can say anything.
I stick around, not that I have anything better to do. Eventually he comes back.
"Mission accomplished. Follow me, my dear, and I'll show you where I've stashed them."
He leads me to a depression in a rock shelf. The apples are there, but they're rapidly dissolving into a bubbling brew.
"What's this?" I ask. "I wanted apple juice."
"They're fermenting to make cider."
"Cider?"
"Believe me, Adam will think it’s scrumptious. Why don't you scoop some of it up and take it down to him?"
I carry the precious liquid carefully in my cupped hands to where Adam is propped up against the tree trunk. I don't think he's noticed all the apples are gone.
"Here, sip this and tell me what you think."
He sniffs the juice and wrinkles his nose.
"Go on," I say, "Just a sip."
He tentatively dips a finger into the liquid and licks it. "What is it?"
"Oh, just something I cooked up for you."
He leans forward and laps up the remainder. Wiping his lips with the back of his hand, he gives me a greedy look. "Any more where that came from?"
"Just wait there."
I go back to the rock shelf. The snake is no longer around. I don't fancy marching up and down here all afternoon with sticky hands, so I find a large palm leaf.
When I get back to Adam, he's singing softly to himself. He smiles as I approach. I barely have time to hand him the palm leaf before he has his nose in it.
"Hold on," I say, "I'm here as well, you know."
I sit down beside him and within a few minutes we finish the drink. By now, I'm feeling very relaxed. This place isn't so bad after all.
Adam has a silly grin on his face and is looking at me as though he's never seen me before. His eyes keep returning to my breasts. I look down but can't see what the problem is.
"Have I got something on me?"
He laughs. "In a manner of speaking, yes. Let me take a closer look."
He leans over and fondles first one breast, then the other, as if he can't make up his mind which one is troubling him. I find this so pleasant that I lie down to make it easier for him. His hands and tongue play upon my body.
"Found anything yet?"
He laughs again. "Still looking."
His throaty chuckle is quite attractive. I ask him to kiss me, but he's turned his attention to my stomach. I must have spilled some cider on my lap because he's feverishly licking me there. Perhaps I should have spilled more…
Now he's rolled on top of me and somehow we've become one, joined loosely at the hips in the strangest manner, and he's getting excited – can't keep his body still.
"Steady on," I say, "You know your scar hasn't healed yet."
His breathing is laboured. "Who cares… about… a little… old… scar?"
I open my eyes and cry out, "Yes, yes!" as a wave of intense pleasure washes over me.
Adam groans and shudders to a halt, his weight easing off of me as he rolls to my side and rests his head on my shoulder.
I stroke his hair. "Oh, Adam, that was wonderful. Let's do it again."
No response.
"Please, Adam. It was lovely."
Light snoring fills my ear.
Coiled around a branch of the apple tree, the serpent looks down upon us.
I may be mistaken, but he seems rather pleased with himself.
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